Old School Rules, Episode 65

Compiled by Jane English

Rules

  1. RULE: It’s unacceptable when autocorrect won’t let you spell what you need to spell – Cenk U.
  2. RULE: Restaurants should butter your bread for you – Cenk U. (refuted by Wes C.)
  3. RULE: Cream is better than milk in coffee and they should not be treated as the same – Cenk U.
  4. RULE: If you’re at a restaurant, you should be able to get what you want without worrying about being a “diva” or sounding too demanding – Dave K.
  5. RULE: Don’t over-engineer your army. Parts for one machine or vehicle need to be compatible with as many other machines or vehicles used by your army as possible – Wes C.
  6. RULE: There needs to be a show on the TYT Network called “When Bigotry Goes Wrong” – Cenk U.
    1. Half of the series will be about how the world treated the Jews – Cenk U.
  7. RULE: Someone starving to death still counts as a kill on a dictator’s scorecard – Wes C.
  8. RULE: There are no breaks on Old School live. If someone has to pee they get go off-camera and use a cup… while still participating in the conversation – Wes C.
  9. RULE: If you’re a dictator, don’t bomb indiscriminately to kill your enemies. Send in one spy for every three people in a town to find people and specifically target them – Cenk U.
  10. RULE: You must win the trust of and support the local population to truly win a war – Cenk U.
  11. RULE: If there’s a four hour gap between a wedding and reception you’re allowed to do whatever you want in that time, from go golfing to have dental work done – Cenk U.
  12. RULE: If you’re fucking with somebody by making them think they’ve just impregnated someone when really you know they haven’t, never exceed more than an hour or two without telling them the truth. The initial scare is more than enough on its own. Two weeks is unimaginably cruel – Wes C.

Ratings

  1. RATING: Kalamata olives are infinitely better than black olives – Cenk U.
  2. RATING: There’s a big difference between tomatoes and sun-dried tomatoes – Wes C.
  3. RATING: Restaurants are a pain in the ass altogether – Jayar and Dave
  4. RATING: American restaurants wait on you hand and foot. Eastern European restaurants don’t give a shit about you – Wes C.
  5. RATING: Contrary to popular belief, the Third Reich was one of the least efficient states of all time – Wes C.
  6. RATING: Hitler was worse than Stalin – Dave K.
  7. RATING: The Iraq War was way worse than anything Donald Trump has said – Dave K.
  8. RATING: Wendy Deng is a modern day Cleopatra – Dave K.
    1. The only modern historical figure that even comes close to Deng is Marylyn Monroe – Wes C.
  9. RATING: The amount of pussy JFK was getting was unbelievable – Cenk U.
  10. RATING: Wendy Deng must give one of the best blowjobs in the world – Wes C.
    1. THEORY: There’s probably a lot of people tied for that because there couldn’t be that much of a difference – Dave K.
  11. RATING: If Donald Trump ends up marrying Wendy Deng it will be the most amazing thing to ever happen in our lifetimes – Cenk U.
    1. Unless she marries Hillary Clinton. THAT would be the most amazing thing ever – Cenk U.

Facts

  1. FACT: In Hollywood it is human nature that no one wants to actually help you, they just want you to go away – Wes C.
  2. FACT: Turkish waiters are super nice and polite because in Turkey wealthy clients will have them beat up if they didn’t like the service – Cenk U.
  3. FACT: The creation of the atomic bomb was the greatest failure of bigotry of all time. The Germans had the technology to do it, but it was the Jewish scientists that fled to America that helped the Americans build it – Cenk U.
  4. FACT: If you’re bold, you can get away with anything a certain amount of times – Wes C.
  5. FACT: Donald Trump is a danger to the Republic, but not necessarily other countries – Wes C.

Theories

  1. THEORY: Wendy Deng can type with her vagina – Wes C.
  2. THEORY: Putin is just using Deng to get as much information out of her about Murdoch and Blair as possible – Wes C.

Predictions

  1. PREDICTION: The Battle of Aleppo will be remembered as the bloodiest battle of the past half century – Wes C.
  2. PREDICTION: African countries are advancing so fast we will be blown away in about ten years, but as a result the world will be destroyed – Wes C.
  3. PREDICTION: Wendy Deng came onto Putin, not the other way around – Cenk U.
  4. PREDICTION: Putin found out about Wendy Deng from bugging Tony Blair’s phone, hearing him privately discuss how she gives the best blowjob ever, and setting out to make her his – Wes C.
  5. PREDICTION: Erdoğan is desperate to find a way to get into Wendy Deng’s pants now – Cenk U.

 

Old School Rules, Episode 64

Compiled by Jane English

Rules

  1. RULE: Fuck everyone who isn’t us – Cenk U.
    1. Especially Clint Eastwood – Wes C.
  2. RULE: Cenk cannot dislike something a little. He must hate it a lot – Ben M.
  3. RULE: Movies should not be a long grind that’s hard to sit through; they should be entertainment – Cenk U.
  4. RULE: Any movie over two hours is only worth seeing if it’s absolutely amazing, and not “Academy Award” amazing, but entertaining amazing – Wes C.
  5. RULE: Any movie that’s only eighty-five minutes is worth seeing – Ben and Wes
  6. RULE: Writers don’t have to know anyone’s name – Wes C.
  7. RULE: The “alt right” are the people who claim to be liberals but hate non-LGBT minority groups, including, but not limited to, black people, Hispanics, “social justice warriors,” and Muslims. E.g. anyone who would call Cenk a “regressive” – Ben M.
  8. RULE: We must let people speak. We can’t block people from speaking at universities because they’re controversial, unpopular, or we disagree with them politically – Cenk and Ben
  9. RULE: Stop trying to ruin people’s lives forever because of one dumb thing they said – Wes C.
  10. RULE: Universities shouldn’t be paying anyone to speak. That’s why tuition is getting so high – Wes C.
  11. RULE: Conservatives don’t own the “toughen up” and “work hard” culture – Cenk U.
  12. RULE: Clint Eastwood gets a pass for most of what he says because he’s so old – Cenk and Ben (refuted by Wes)
  13. RULE: Prioritize stopping the guys robbing you for trillions of dollars over the guys robbing you for millions of dollars – Cenk U.
  14. RULE: A hotel room is officially too “low” if you find someone else’s pubes on your towels – Cenk U.
  15. RULE: When you meet someone, the person that is more famous should say “hi” first – Cenk and Wes
  16. RULE: The fastest way to get laid is to determine which people in a room already want to sleep with you and focus on them – Wes C.
  17. RULE: As radical of a notion as this sounds, we shouldn’t bomb or go to war with anyone who doesn’t attack us – Wes C.

Ratings

  1. RATING: The name Fethullah Gulen is only cool sounding when another Turk says it – Ben M.
  2. RATING: “The Night Of” is a ten out of ten – Ben M.
    1. PREDICTION: But Cenk will only give it a 7.7 – Ben M.
  3. RATING: “Stranger Things” is awesome – Wes C.
  4. RATING: There are only three people that are more skeptical than Cenk Uygur is about DirectTV On Demand television being easy to use – Cenk U.
  5. RATING: Scotty Nells Hughes has crazy eyes and on face alone should not be trusted – Cenk U.
  6. RATING: Katrina Pierson on face alone should not be trusted – Ben M.
  7. RATING: Marcus Luttrell has crazy eyes and something is wrong with him – Cenk U.
    1. PREDICTION: Marcus Luttrell has PTSD – Wes & Cenk
    2. RULE: It’s not cool to say Marcus Luttrell has “crazy eyes” – Ben M.
  8. RATING: “Gravity” was a bad movie – Cenk U.
  9. RATING: “Gravity” was a good movie – Wes and Ben
  10. RATING: “Revenant” was a really boring movie – Cenk and Wes
    1. RATING: Save for when the bear raped him – CenkU.
  11. RATING: “Revenant” was a fantastic movie, but no one liked it – Ben M.
  12. RATING: Birdman was the worst movie – Cenk and Bart
  13. RATING: Werner Herzog had a fucking career – Ben M.
  14. RATING: Running away from Dr. David D. Shultz is the only good thing John Stossel has done with his life – Ben M.
  15. RATING: The one thing that makes Ben and Wes more American than Cenk is their love of dogs – Cenk U.
  16. RATING: Letting your children call you by your first name is a very liberal thing to do because it implies you’re their buddy and not their parent – Cenk U.
  17. RATING: George Clooney is one of the nicest, most genuine guys in the world – Wes C.
  18. RATING: The worst thing in the world is a “kiss up, kick down” kind of guy – Cenk and Wes
  19. RATING: Cenk was still half interventionalist until very recently – Cenk U.
  20. RATING: Democrats have become way to interventionalist, way to militaristic, and it’s only going to get worse under Hillary Clinton – Cenk U.

Facts

  1. FACT: They sell Turkish Taffy in the Poconos because of Fethullah Gulen – Cenk U.
  2. FACT: Turkish Taffy is the last thing made in the United States – Cenk U.
  3. FACT: Once you detach from reality, there’s no going back – Cenk U.
  4. FACT: Ann Coulter was the original troll. She was trolling before trolling was a thing – Cenk U.
  5. FACT: Andrew Breitbart was an actor; he didn’t believe what he said, like Ann Coulter – Cenk U.
  6. FACT: Clint Eastwood is the ideological underpinning of what made Reagan popular – Wes C.
  7. FACT: Russia is not Communist any more, but nor is it Capitalist. It’s a mafia state run by a criminal syndicate – Ben and Wes
  8. FACT: The Clintons are the luckiest political family in US history because of their political opponents – Ben M.
  9. FACT: No two people could love America more than Ben and Cenk – Ben M.
  10. FACT: Welfare fraud is something that will happen if we have welfare, but that doesn’t mean we get rid of welfare – Ben M.
  11. FACT: Welfare fraud is only a slightly larger issue than voter fraud – Ben M.
  12. FACT: People committing welfare fraud are not participating in Black Lives Matter protests – Ben M.
  13. FACT: Liberals oppose welfare fraud – Cenk U.
  14. FACT: Anderson Cooper is so wealthy he’s never even driven past a Howard Johnson – Cenk U.
  15. FACT: The shittier the hotel, the more you bond with your roommate – Cenk U.
  16. FACT: Cenk invented dipping pastrami sandwiches in au jus sauce – Cenk U.
  17. FACT: Ben wears glasses because he can’t see – Ben M.
  18. FACT: Each country is its own worst enemy – Wes C.

Theories

  1. THEORY: Clint Eastwood thinks he’s a character out of a movie – Ben and Wes
  2. THEORY: The religious revival of the 1980s was driven by Hollywood – Wes C.
  3. THEORY: When you attack someone, you force them to become defensive, react to the threat against those around them, and to evolve to meet a new level of warfare. This could also explain why America has become such a police state; there is little real threat from terrorism, but we still want to react as if we’re under attack, and therefore we express it on our own citizenry – Wes C.

Predictions

  1. PREDICTION: Even though it’s only three steps, Cenk will not be able to figure out how to use DirectTV On Demand – Cenk U.
  2. PREDICTION: No matter who the next President is we’re in for a crazy, dangerous four to eight years – Wes C.

 

Old School Rules, Episode 63

Compiled by Jane English

Rules

  1. RULE: If you get your weather from an app, that’s not really “the weather” – Jimmy D., as Mark T.
  2. RULE: There should be a Youngturkington Post – Jimmy D.
  3. RULE: There is no rule that Muslims can’t drink during Ramadan. The Turks just made up that rule as a compromise to not totally abstaining from alcohol and have no right to get offended when other Muslims don’t follow it – Cenk U.
  4. RULE: If you’re young, dare to have bold thoughts, because all of our most revered thinkers and philosophers peaked in their twenties and were usually done by their forties. Don’t wait – Cenk U.
  5. RULE: “That guy has some camel balls on him” is the new and improved “that guy’s got balls” – Cenk U.

Ratings

  1. RATING: Pasadena is a lovely city, but very hot – Cenk and Jimmy
  2. RATING: Beet juice is shockingly good – Jimmy D.
  3. RATING: New Jersey is shockingly beautiful and underrated, except Trenton – Jimmy and Cenk
  4. RATING: Dave Koller is a stone-cold Atheist – Cenk U.
  5. RATING: Cenk’s science is weak, but his ideas are strong – Cenk U.
  6. RATING: A peanut butter and banana milkshake, split pea soup, and a tuna sandwich with cheddar on sourdough bread is a very American meal – Cenk U.
  7. RATING: Hillary supporters smell of Bush supporters in how they argue – Jimmy D.
  8. RATING: Jeremy Corbyn is Bernie Sanders with a bad fucking attitude – Jimmy D.
  9. RATING: All American leaders are a mixed bag – Jimmy D.
  10. RATING: Caffé Mocha is delicious – Cenk U.
  11. RATING: Caffé Americano is better than regular coffee – Cenk U.

Facts

  1. FACT: Chris Christie jokes will never get old – Cenk U.
  2. FACT: You can’t change your future – Dave K.
  3. FACT: E=mc2 – Jimmy and Cenk
  4. FACT: Time and space are the same thing – Jimmy D.
  5. FACT: E=mc2 is proof there is order in the universe – Cenk U.
  6. FACT: Religions are nonsense, but that doesn’t mean there’s no order in the universe – Cenk U.
  7. FACT: We are very limited by our senses – Cenk U.
  8. FACT: We have free will within “the movie” of linear time, but if you’re viewing “the movie” of time objectively (example, traveling faster than the speed of light) there is no free will, everything is pre-determined – Cenk U.
  9. FACT: We are the Earth because we are the consciousness that rose from it – Jimmy D.
  10. FACT: We are all one. We are all somehow connected through unseen forces and bonds. Almost every faith and philosophy of the world eventually reaches this same conclusion – Cenk U.
  11. FACT: Something can have will and not be conscious. A plant has the will to grow towards light sources, for example, but that does not mean it is conscious – Cenk U.
  12. FACT: There is no desert in Turkey – Cenk U.
  13. FACT: There are no camels in Turkey – Cenk U.
  14. FACT: 70% of the world’s hazelnuts come from Turkey – Cenk U.
  15. FACT: Hillary Clinton supports the TPP. Anyone who tells you otherwise, including her, is lying. If she really opposed it, such opposition would have been written into the Democratic platform – Cenk U.
  16. FACT: The Democratic Platform is meaningless, and yet the party establishment can’t even give progressive voters what they wanted in that – Jimmy D.
  17. FACT: People were attracted to Bernie Sanders because he’s an honest politician, yet the pundits are incapable of understanding that – Cenk U.
  18. FACT: Together, Trump and Sanders won a majority of US voters during the primaries, which means a majority of US voters are aware that there is a serious problem in how we run our government and politics, but only half of them (Sanders supporters) diagnosed the problem correctly, whereas the other half (Trump supporters) diagnosed it incorrectly – Jimmy D.
  19. FACT: Today’s political assassinations are not literal. They’re almost always about “sex scandals” – Cenk U.
  20. FACT: John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy were both political assassinations – Cenk U.

Theories

  1. THEORY: An overwhelming majority of people are not religious; they’re faking it – Cenk U.
  2. THEORY: There’s no such thing as “before” – Cenk U.
  3. THEORY: Everything that exists is both there and not there, just like everything that exists in time also exists outside of time – Cenk and Jimmy
  4. THEORY: There is absolutely no way in all of this massive universe humans are the height of consciousness. So much life exists below us on the “consciousness spectrum” that to think humans, in all our limitations of consciousness, are the highest it can get – Cenk U.
  5. THEORY: Before our current level of consciousness, evolution was not a choice. It occurred naturally. When we are faced with the ability to evolve again at our current level of consciousness though it will be a choice – Jimmy D.
  6. THEORY: Since it’s very likely higher levels of consciousness exist beyond us, it’s possible an “all consciousness” can exist that is aware, knows, and retains everything and everyone in one consciousness – Cenk U.
    1. “All consciousness” is a fucking nark – Jimmy D.
  7. THEORY: We make fun of Chris Christie because we all secretly want to be him – Jimmy D.
  8. THEORY: Vlad the Impaler had to have had an impalement specialist, otherwise his victims would have died instantly. Vlad made sure it was done “correctly” so his victims would take days to die – Cenk U.
  9. THEORY: Brexit and Trump happened because 70% of the world is collectively saying to the rich and powerful “we don’t believe you any more,” and they’ve started looking for what to believe. By scapegoating minorities, they offered one such plausible sounding, but still wrong, explanation, and people are desperate for such an explanation to believe in – Cenk U.
  10. THEORY: The European Union is a scam. It exists not to lift up the less well off European nations, but rather drag down the workers in the better nations so the wealthy in the better off nations can get away with treating workers like crap – Jimmy D. (refuted by Cenk U.)

Predictions

  1. PREDICTION: Jimmy will get ass cancer – Cenk U.
  2. PREDICTION: Jeremy Corbyn will be the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom because he’s the most anti-establishment candidate, not Boris Johnson, and anti-establishment is what people really want right now – Cenk U.
    1. This is the same reason Sanders would crush Trump in every single head-to-head match up poll. Trump may seem anti-establishment, but Sanders was dramatically more so – Me, Jane E.
  3. PREDICTION: Brexit was momentous because it was the beginning of the revolution against the global establishment – Cenk U.

Old School Rules, Episode 62

Compiled by Jane English

Old School will now be broadcast live for members on the official TYT Network Website on Wednesday nights after the main show! If you want to become a member go to www.tytnetwork.com/join

Also, the first edition of Old School Rules, the book, will soon be available for purchase in the TYT shop! The “first editions” consist of only twenty-five copies that will all be autographed by everyone who has hosted an episode of Old School! It’s a hilarious addition to any coffee table or bookshelf!

(Plus the faster we buy up the first editions the faster we can get to the next set of books that will have my real name, Jane English, in them; I apparently missed the deadline to change it by just a few days!)

Rules

  1. RULE: Ten years of maintaining the same weight is impressive – Cenk and Ben
  2. RULE: The scales in the doctor’s office are full of shit and are not to be believed – Ben M.
  3. RULE: Just because something has the word “salad” in the name does not mean it is as healthy as a salad – Cenk and Ben
    1. Case in point; taco salad – Ben M.
  4. RULE: Eating a salad of any type, regardless of where it falls on the scale of health in regards to salads, odds are it’s still healthier than what you would have otherwise been eating – Cenk U.
  5. RULE: Culture is irrelevant; it is less immoral to eat a cow or chicken than it is to eat a dog – Ben M.
  6. RULE: If a taco is an “authentic” taco it doesn’t count against your diet – Ben M.
  7. RULE: Fathers just want to be left alone on Father’s day to play and watch sports – Ben and Cenk
    1. Unless you’re bringing them food. They would greatly appreciate that, but it’s not necessary. They’re grown men; they can get their own damn food – Ben M.
  8. RULE: Exercise, within reason, is never a waste of time – Cenk U.
  9. RULE: Spending time with your kids is rarely a waste of time – Cenk U.
    1. The balance seems to be somewhere between one afternoon a month and eighteen hours a day every day for the rest of your life – Ben and Cenk
  10. RULE: If you’re legitimately a hard working adult, sleeping is never a waste of time – Cenk U.
  11. RULE: Baltimore, Detroit, Newark, Camden, or any city in America with extreme poverty should not have casinos – Ben and Cenk
  12. RULE: You can’t “accidentally” eat a lasagna – Ben M.

Ratings

  1. RATING: Cenk would rather eat a wolf than a snail – Cenk U.
  2. RATING: Ben’s dog is the most deaf thing you’ve ever seen – Ben M.
  3. RATING: Baltimore has the best casino outside of Vegas – Ben M.
  4. RATING: Cenk’s debate with Ann Coulter, despite its appearance, is an example of Cenk being polite – Cenk U.
  5. RATING: Cenk’s debate with Dinesh D’Souza is an example of Cenk not being polite – Cenk U.
  6. RATING: “Mankenwin” is the worst fake name ever – Cenk U.
  7. RATING: One of the worst feelings is when you ask the wrong question and either derail a good conversation or miss out on a much better question – Ben and Cenk
  8. RATING: Veep is the most underrated show on television – Cenk U.
  9. RATING: Ray Donovan is a great show – Ben M.

Facts

  1. FACT: Every is self-centered when it comes to their “tribe’s” culture – Cenk U.
  2. FACT: If Cenk was dying he would eat Ben – Cenk U.
  3. FACT: If ever you’re told a plane is delayed because “they’re cleaning the plane” while a sports broadcast is on, they’re secretly watching the game – Ben M.
  4. FACT: Why women want to spend so much time with their husbands is one of the greatest mysteries of the universe – Ben M.
  5. FACT: Children love the parent that spends the most time with them – Cenk U.
  6. FACT: Nobody wants to hear about other people’s sleep problems – Ben M.
  7. FACT: Father’s Day is not a real thing. Mothers Day is real, Father’s Day is not – Ben and Cenk

Theories

  1. THEORY: We find fish to be the most acceptable animal to eat because we “don’t know them” at all – Cenk U.
  2. THEORY: Empathy is shockingly lacking in many Eastern cultures – Cenk U.

Predictions

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