Old School Rules, Episode 68

Compiled by Jane English

Rules

  1. RULE: If you’re going to spew hate speech, at least be quick about it – Malcolm and Cenk
  2. RULE: The first fifty comments of every Young Turks YouTube video should be automatically deleted – Malcolm F.
  3. RULE: If the media is going to accuse you of being a Marxist, Socialist, Communist, you may as well at least be a liberal – Cenk U.
  4. RULE: People should assimilate – Cenk U.
  5. RULE: We need to find a balance between a culture where authority crushes reform efforts and a culture where authority dictates a reform and everyone blindly follows – Cenk U.

Ratings

  1. RATING: The saying “when you think you’re done, you’ve just begun,” is super depressing – Cenk U.
  2. RATING: The saying “attitude is everything” is vapid and really only applicable to con men – Malcolm and Wes
  3. RATING: The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground is one of the greatest songs of all time – Wes and Cenk
  4. RATING: Malcolm is good at trivia – Cenk U.
  5. RATING: Eric Garcetti is a really smart guy – Cenk U.

Facts

  1. FACT: Every fan of The Young Turks is angry – Cenk U.
  2. FACT: Malcolm is a host for every show on the TYT network now – Cenk U.
  3. FACT: Trump has made it okay to hate again – Wes C.
  4. FACT: 30% of every country’s population consists of authoritarian, nonsensical robots – Wes C.
  5. FACT: The jury is in on climate change. It’s real and the time to panic is now – Cenk and Wes
  6. FACT: The hydrocarbon, agriculture, and pharmaceutical industry are the big three that pull the levers in our government – Wes C.
  7. FACT: It took dozens of dollars to set up The Young Turks Network – Cenk U.
  8. FACT: Arkansas is controlled by about two or three families – Wes C.
  9. FACT: Mormons never stop trying to bring people back into their church that have left – Wes C.
  10. FACT: The more hierarchical a culture is the more easily they assimilate to a new culture because they obey authority – Cenk U.
  11. FACT: If you fuck your campaign manager’s wife, it’s really hard to find a new campaign manager – Malcolm F.
  12. FACT: Contrary to what conservatives say, no liberal has ever heard of Saul Alinsky – Malcolm and Cenk
  13. FACT: New York, Washington DC, Los Angeles, and San Francisco are the four cities that rules us all – Cenk U.
  14. FACT: Most Americans just don’t have the time required to be fully informed on the issues. They’re too busy working their asses off just trying to survive – Cenk, Wes, and Malcolm
  15. FACT: The old media is on its way out. The only question is what will die first; establishment media, or the planet – Cenk U.

Theories

  1. THEORY: Christmas tree stores are likely fronts for the mob – Wes C.
  2. THEORY: The south states don’t have the same access to capitol as the northern states because a small handful of people have all of it and refuse to give it up. This explains many of the fundamental differences between them – Wes C.
  3. THEORY: There’s some chance Tim Pawlenty and Jon Huntsman are the same person – Malcolm F.
    1. This is a huge disservice to Jon Huntsman – Cenk U.
  4. THEORY: Obama is obviously not a Muslim, but there’s a good chance he’s not a Christian either. He’s likely some sort of non-theist – Malcolm F.

Predictions

  1. PREDICTION: In our lifetimes we’re going to lose South Beach in Florida to climate change – Cenk U.
  2. PREDICTION: Mormons taking over America is far more likely than Muslims taking over America – Cenk U.
  3. PREDICTION: Eric Garcetti will eventually either run for Governor or Senator – Wes C.
  4. PREDICTION: Eric Garcetti will eventually figure out that people like politicians who are a little less polished these days and will scale it back some – Cenk U.
    1. Eventually he’ll scale it back so far he’s homeless – Cenk U.

 

Old School Rules, Episode 67

Compiled by Jane English

Rules

  1. RULE: You’re allowed to check out people, but no longer than one “beat” after they catch you checking them out – Cenk, Wes, and Ben
    1. This rule can vary depending on your age, who you’re looking at, how good looking you are, and where at them you are staring – Wes C.
    2. Unless the gaze has been re-engaged by the person being gazed at – Cenk U. (refuted by Ben M.)
    3. The above exception is referred to as the Haas corollary – Cenk U.
  2. RULE: You can’t let people on that you think you’re good looking – Ben and Wes
  3. RULE: The “here we are” age, meaning the age at which you are likely to not improve any further in anyway (physically, socially, financially, etc.) and from which point it’s all down hill, is forty-five – Cenk, Wes, and Ben
  4. RULE: Your life will likely not improve much past who you are and what you have at forty-five, so at that age make what life you do have great – Ben M.
  5. RULE: The standard for when The Young Turks have “made it” is when they actually start paying Wes – Wes C.
  6. RULE: There should be a scented candle that smells like bum urine called “Vagrantis” – Ben M.
  7. RULE: Reality TV should not be watched because it’s so pedantic and stupid – Cenk U.
  8. RULE: You don’t have to stand for the national anthem or pledge of allegiance to be patriotic or to love this country – Cenk, Ben, and Wes

Ratings

  1. RATING: A guy in his sixties dating a woman in her twenties, no matter how you cut it, is creepy, but Cenk would still do it – Cenk and Wes
  2. RATING: Indian food is much better served buffet style – Cenk U.
  3. RATING: Cuban food is much better served buffet style – Cenk U.
  4. RATING: Fuck Indian food. It’s massively overrated – Ben M.
    1. Unless it’s the colonialist interpretation of Indian food – Wes C.
  5. RATING: Ethiopian food is terrible – Cenk and Wes
  6. RATING: Afghani food may be the worst – Cenk U.
  7. RATING: Philippine food is surprisingly bad – Cenk U.
  8. RATING: Korean BBQ is way overrated – Ben M.
  9. RATING: Armenian BBQ is way overrated – Wes C.
  10. RATING: American BBQ is great – Ben and Cenk
  11. RATING: Tai food is way overrated – Wes C.
  12. RATING: Uzbek food is better than Indian food, but that’s not saying much because they’re both terrible – Cenk U. (refuted by Wes and Ben)
  13. RATING: Russian food is among the worst. It’s nothing but nasty looking fish with cabbage and potato – Cenk U.
  14. RATING: Unless you’re there when the food is fresh, buffets are gross – Ben M. (refuted by Cenk)
  15. RATING: Red is obviously a better color than blue – Cenk U.
  16. RATING: Vinegar and mint are basically the same thing – Wes C.
  17. RATING: Chinese food makes for terrible leftovers – Ben M.
  18. RATING: Indian food makes for great leftovers – Wes C.
  19. RATING: Buffet-like experiences wherein they still serve up your food for you like Panda Express are the best restaurant experiences – Ben M. (refuted by Cenk)
  20. RATING: Panda Express is too American – Cenk U.
  21. RATING: Thanksgiving is a better holiday than Christmas – Cenk U.
  22. RATING: Christmas is the best holiday of “those types” of holidays. “Those types” do not include Thanksgiving – Ben M.
  23. RATING: “Risqué Video” in Philadelphia is the Taj Mahal of porn stores – Cenk U.
  24. RATING: Some TV shows these days are better than movies, but outside of them everything on TV is so bad it’s depressing and speaks poorly of humanity – Wes and Cenk
  25. RATING: The Bachelor is remarkably well produced for a reality TV show – Ben M.
  26. RATING: Music-themed reality shows are the only decent ones because there’s an element of competition and they can produce real stars – Wes C. (refuted by Ben)
  27. RATING: Watching someone sing without a band is insufferable – Ben M.
  28. RATING: Vulgar British diction contains many tragically unsexy words – Ben M.
  29. RATING: In the 80s and 90s television was at least 85% good or bearable, but now it’s 80% wasteland – Cenk and Ben
  30. RATING: No one was more patriotic or believed more in the greatness, and goodness, of America than Frank Mankiewicz – Ben M.
  31. RATING: “Lies My Teacher Told Me” is a great book – Wes C.
  32. RATING: The NFL hiring murders and domestic abusers, but discarding Colin Kaepernick because he wouldn’t stand for the national anthem, is the most unacceptable thing ever – Ben, Wes, and Cenk

Facts

  1. FACT: Turks secretly feel Thanksgiving is their holiday – Cenk U.
  2. FACT: Haas is the king of subtly – Wes C.
  3. FACT: Younger generations are more honest about sex, which is good, even though it leads to less sex – Cenk U.
  4. FACT: Those who think men always win in relationships, marriage, and divorce are fucking wrong – Wes C.
  5. FACT: Wes has never had a problem scoring pussy – Wes C.
  6. FACT: The way we wither in age is nature’s way of warning other members of our species “do not have sex with this person, they are useless” – Wes and Cenk
  7. FACT: In the times before internet and video games, sex was the best form of entertainment, but many Americans feel otherwise now – Wes C.
  8. FACT: You can make a good life for yourself wherever you are (unless it’s Darfur or Syria or something) – Ben and Wes
  9. FACT: Ethiopians never eat Ethiopian food – Ben M.
  10. FACT: All interesting arguments are subjective – Ben M.
    1. An “objective argument” isn’t an argument; it’s just a Republican being an idiot – Cenk U.
  11. FACT: Eastern LA is China – Cenk U.
  12. FACT: Dr. Laura is full of shit – Cenk U.
  13. FACT: Life does require hard work, but it’s mostly luck, timing, and blowjobs – Wes C.
    1. Timing is the most important of the four – Wes C.
    2. Luck is the most important of the four – Ben M.
    3. An irrational belief that you will succeed can also help – Wes and Cenk
  14. FACT: It is totally unacceptable when a browser re-opens a page you were at in your last session automatically – Cenk U.
  15. FACT: There should be no shame in using a private window when surfing the web – Ben M.
  16. FACT: Cenk was put on this planet to explore adult video stores – Cenk U.
  17. FACT: No one could ever sell $1,000 worth of dildos every day – Wes C.
  18. FACT: There’s no way an adult book store could survive for twenty years in the age of the internet. Any that have been operating for that long must either be also selling drugs or laundering money for the mob – Ben and Wes
  19. FACT: Tufts is the school for those who couldn’t get into an ivy league school – Ben M.
  20. FACT: The one place in America you know you will never get laid is a strip club – Howard M.
  21. FACT: It’ll be a good day in America when baseball salaries start going down – Cenk U. (refuted by Ben)
  22. FACT: The argument that TYT only has so many views on YouTube because they’ve been on for so long is irrelevant because a vast majority of them have come in the past three years – Ben M.

Theories

  1. THEORY: Russians drink so much because they really don’t want to eat the horrible food they have in Russia – Ben M.

Predictions

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Old School Rules, Episode 66

Compiled by Jane English

Rules

  1. RULE: The logo on a shirt must be placed at least four inches below the collar – Ben M.
  2. RULE: It is irresponsible to be out of the country for three weeks or longer – Ben M.
  3. RULE: Pay with a credit card with no tip in it and tip in cash to avoid being scammed out of money because you feel too bad asking for change – Ben M.
  4. RULE: Always tip in cash in case the owners or company are skimming off the top when tipped from a card – Cenk U.
  5. RULE: It is Old School policy to never do research – Cenk U.
  6. RULE: It’s okay to do the news with commentary or opinion so long as your main goal is to inform, but when you cross the line into advocacy is when you jeopardize that goal – Ben and Cenk
  7. RULE: Mussolini is running for President. It’s okay to do multiple stories about him every single day – Cenk U.
  8. RULE: Cenk’s new nickname is anonymously unknown – Cenk U.
  9. RULE: Twitter needs a “de-tweet” button to remove re-tweets of your tweet – Cenk and Ben
  10. RULE: Men who can cook well deserve praise – Ben M.
  11. RULE: Every time you try to beat life, life says FUCK YOU, so you have to trick life twice – Jayar J.
  12. RULE: Women aren’t allowed to have names that can be pronounced two different ways – Cenk U.

Ratings

  1. RATING: “Killing it” is younger than “rocking it” – Cenk U.
  2. RATING: Scalp massages are underrated – Cenk U. (refuted by Jayar J.)
  3. RATING: Supercuts are the Popeye’s of hair salons – Ben M.
  4. RATING: The very concept of scalp massages are utterly preposterous – Jayar J.
  5. RATING: Ben is a ridiculously good tipper – Cenk U.
  6. RATING: Eliza is the most Jewish Eastern-European name ever – Cenk U.
  7. RATING: Ben is the ultimate liberal – Cenk U.
  8. RATING: Cultural greetings that literally translate to “I see you” are much more heartfelt and connective than just saying “hi” – Ben M.
  9. RATING: Criticizing Cenk for not being open to new ideas is the dumbest criticism there is – Ben M.
  10. RATING: Jayar is a great tweeter – Jayar and Ben
  11. RATING: Dave Koller is a great tweeter – Ben and Cenk
  12. RATING: Ben is a great tweeter – Cenk U.
  13. RATING: “Petticock” is the most obviously made up name ever – Cenk U.
  14. RATING: People who use the word “ideation” are douchebags – Cenk U.
  15. RATING: Ben does a great troll impression (the living under a bridge eating goats kind) – Cenk U.
  16. RATING: The best favor to do for someone is to hit their floor button on an elevator for them – Cenk and Ben
  17. RATING: Music is like poetry, but better – Cenk U.
  18. RATING: Basketball is like ballet, but better – Cenk U.
  19. RATING: The way Cenk’s father speaks is so declarative it doesn’t foster conversation – Ben M.
  20. RATING: Jayar is a fantastic cook – Ben M.
  21. RATING: Brazilian food is underrated, as highly rated as it is – Cenk U.
  22. RATING: Clark is a cool name – Cenk U.

Facts

  1. FACT: Supercuts do not exist in nice neighborhood – Cenk and Ben
  2. FACT: There was once a Supercuts in Santa Monica, but it was immediately removed – Cenk and Ben
  3. FACT: Only white and brown people get scalp massages. Black people do not – Jayar J.
  4. FACT: White people do not trust their hair to non-professionals – Cenk U.
  5. FACT: Every black person is a professional hair stylist – Jayar J.
  6. FACT: No Republican roots for the Indians – Ben M.
  7. FACT: 50% of trolls are thirteen years old – Cenk U.
  8. FACT: Punctuation communicates a lot in text messages – Jayar J.
  9. FACT: No one named Tony lives in Oregon – Ben M.
  10. FACT: Twitter used to actually be positive and affirming – Ben M.
  11. FACT: The claim that “one angry viewer that actually calls in equals one hundred angry viewers” is bullshit – Ben and Cenk
  12. FACT: There are not a lot of news outlets for people under thirty-five save for The Young Turks – Cenk U.
  13. FACT: If you believe “when words fail, music begins,” you’re not trying hard enough to articulate your emotions in words – Cenk U.
  14. FACT: Ben does not sufficiently respect the Mohandas – Cenk U.
  15. FACT: Cenk is very prone to ontological confusion – Ben M.
  16. FACT: Some inspirational quotes are great. Others are horse crap – Cenk U.
  17. FACT: “No one ever got to be extraordinary by being ordinary” is, in fact, a Cenk Uygur original inspirational quote – Cenk U.
  18. FACT: “The Uygur Bump” is a phenomenon on Twitter… but it’s just when Cenk re-tweets a tweet of yours and it blows up – Cenk U.
  19. FACT: When you hold the door open for someone, but they’re just too far away for it, so they have to hurry, you’ve turned a favor into a burden – Jayar and Cenk
  20. FACT: The birth of music was something along the lines of one guy playing the drums in the corner and another guy reciting poetry in the same room when all of the sudden “you got your poetry in my music!” and “you got your music in my poetry!” and BAM. Music – Cenk U.
  21. FACT: The Sumerians invented everything – Dogan U., Cenk’s dad
  22. FACT: Cenk would rather pay $69 to add avocado to his sandwich than make a second stop to pick up his own avocado at a second location to then prep and put on the sandwich himself even if the avocado at the second location is less than a dollar – CenkU.
  23. FACT: No one in recorded history has ever gone to a Subway to get food in anticipation of hunger. Not even the ancient Sumerians – Ben M.

Theories

  1. THEORY: We assume the things that are the most poignant have always exited – Cenk U.

Predictions

  1. PREDICTION: Jayar’s kid will be an emancipated minor by 14 – Ben M.

Old School Rules, Episode 65

Compiled by Jane English

Rules

  1. RULE: It’s unacceptable when autocorrect won’t let you spell what you need to spell – Cenk U.
  2. RULE: Restaurants should butter your bread for you – Cenk U. (refuted by Wes C.)
  3. RULE: Cream is better than milk in coffee and they should not be treated as the same – Cenk U.
  4. RULE: If you’re at a restaurant, you should be able to get what you want without worrying about being a “diva” or sounding too demanding – Dave K.
  5. RULE: Don’t over-engineer your army. Parts for one machine or vehicle need to be compatible with as many other machines or vehicles used by your army as possible – Wes C.
  6. RULE: There needs to be a show on the TYT Network called “When Bigotry Goes Wrong” – Cenk U.
    1. Half of the series will be about how the world treated the Jews – Cenk U.
  7. RULE: Someone starving to death still counts as a kill on a dictator’s scorecard – Wes C.
  8. RULE: There are no breaks on Old School live. If someone has to pee they get go off-camera and use a cup… while still participating in the conversation – Wes C.
  9. RULE: If you’re a dictator, don’t bomb indiscriminately to kill your enemies. Send in one spy for every three people in a town to find people and specifically target them – Cenk U.
  10. RULE: You must win the trust of and support the local population to truly win a war – Cenk U.
  11. RULE: If there’s a four hour gap between a wedding and reception you’re allowed to do whatever you want in that time, from go golfing to have dental work done – Cenk U.
  12. RULE: If you’re fucking with somebody by making them think they’ve just impregnated someone when really you know they haven’t, never exceed more than an hour or two without telling them the truth. The initial scare is more than enough on its own. Two weeks is unimaginably cruel – Wes C.

Ratings

  1. RATING: Kalamata olives are infinitely better than black olives – Cenk U.
  2. RATING: There’s a big difference between tomatoes and sun-dried tomatoes – Wes C.
  3. RATING: Restaurants are a pain in the ass altogether – Jayar and Dave
  4. RATING: American restaurants wait on you hand and foot. Eastern European restaurants don’t give a shit about you – Wes C.
  5. RATING: Contrary to popular belief, the Third Reich was one of the least efficient states of all time – Wes C.
  6. RATING: Hitler was worse than Stalin – Dave K.
  7. RATING: The Iraq War was way worse than anything Donald Trump has said – Dave K.
  8. RATING: Wendy Deng is a modern day Cleopatra – Dave K.
    1. The only modern historical figure that even comes close to Deng is Marylyn Monroe – Wes C.
  9. RATING: The amount of pussy JFK was getting was unbelievable – Cenk U.
  10. RATING: Wendy Deng must give one of the best blowjobs in the world – Wes C.
    1. THEORY: There’s probably a lot of people tied for that because there couldn’t be that much of a difference – Dave K.
  11. RATING: If Donald Trump ends up marrying Wendy Deng it will be the most amazing thing to ever happen in our lifetimes – Cenk U.
    1. Unless she marries Hillary Clinton. THAT would be the most amazing thing ever – Cenk U.

Facts

  1. FACT: In Hollywood it is human nature that no one wants to actually help you, they just want you to go away – Wes C.
  2. FACT: Turkish waiters are super nice and polite because in Turkey wealthy clients will have them beat up if they didn’t like the service – Cenk U.
  3. FACT: The creation of the atomic bomb was the greatest failure of bigotry of all time. The Germans had the technology to do it, but it was the Jewish scientists that fled to America that helped the Americans build it – Cenk U.
  4. FACT: If you’re bold, you can get away with anything a certain amount of times – Wes C.
  5. FACT: Donald Trump is a danger to the Republic, but not necessarily other countries – Wes C.

Theories

  1. THEORY: Wendy Deng can type with her vagina – Wes C.
  2. THEORY: Putin is just using Deng to get as much information out of her about Murdoch and Blair as possible – Wes C.

Predictions

  1. PREDICTION: The Battle of Aleppo will be remembered as the bloodiest battle of the past half century – Wes C.
  2. PREDICTION: African countries are advancing so fast we will be blown away in about ten years, but as a result the world will be destroyed – Wes C.
  3. PREDICTION: Wendy Deng came onto Putin, not the other way around – Cenk U.
  4. PREDICTION: Putin found out about Wendy Deng from bugging Tony Blair’s phone, hearing him privately discuss how she gives the best blowjob ever, and setting out to make her his – Wes C.
  5. PREDICTION: Erdoğan is desperate to find a way to get into Wendy Deng’s pants now – Cenk U.